MacPaddy.com is Up and Runnin'

Check out the site. Add it to your favorites. Add comments. Suggest stories. Let me know what you want me to add. This is probably the end of this site... Long live MacPaddy.com

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Make good choices!

Fat Kid Fights Back With Devastating Body Slam

Skinny punks everywhere - You have been put on notice. Big fat kids will kill you.

Building the MacPaddy site. Will be done by next week.

Thanks E-Rock for the video

Shaq Killed Biggie Smalls

Shaq was supposed to party with Notorious B.I.G. the night he was killed... but Shaq fell asleep. Biggie died 14 years ago today. Thanks a lot Shaq.
Brother Mike with the assist on this one

Hacksaw Jim Duggan Inducted into WWE Hall of Fame

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Joining Duggan is Shawn Michaels, The Road Warriors, Abdullah the Butcher, Sunny and Bob Armstrong HOOOOOOOOOOO! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Little Kids Are Gay!

Picked this one up on CNN. Check out the story. A guy started a blog about gay children... I think the purpose was to show that people are born gay, they do not choose to be gay. I think that is absolutely true in most cases, but if you are under two years old and your mother is dressing you like a girl than maybe you weren't born gay... your mother made you gay. And I think about 10% of lesbians are lesbians because no men will sleep with them and having sex with a chick is better than having no sex at all. Can't blame them for that!

These opinions in no way reflect the opinion of Macpaddy Management or staff... wink wink

Chara Decapitates Max Pacioretty

I bet that guy has a headache in the morning...
By the way, we lost the game and looked pretty terrible in the process.
UPDATE: Pussy Canadien Max Pacioretty has a concussion
Chara gets no fine or suspension for clean hit

Lady Gaga Has a Penis and is at the Garden Tonight

I'm pretty sure Lady Gaga is a man. Above is a cropped out photo of Gaga from my wife's copy of Vogue. It must have taken them hours to airbrush out Gaga's adams apple. Marylin Manson made a more convincing woman. But I bet he/she/it put on a great performance tonight at the Garden. He/She/It is very talented. I'm sure his/her/its parents are very proud.

Irish Thunder

Irish Thunder was my nickname in middle school for obvious reasons, so I had to read this book. It's about the great Micky Ward and his asshole brother Dickie. I was shocked when the book turned out to be really good. It was written by Bob Halloran, the weekend sports anchor on Channel 5 in Boston. I guess if you only work on the weekends you have a lot of extra time to do research for a book. Tons of interviews, inside access and great fight descriptions. Halloran only sold 10,000 hard copies of the book when it came out a few years ago...so it's only available in paperback. I'm guessing "The Fighter" hasn't hurt sales. If you like boxing, pick up this book.

"The Fighter" Out on DVD March 15th

I can't believe I haven't seen this movie yet. Above is some of the best of the real Micky Ward. 51 professional fights and he never finished one off of his feet. He took over 350 punches in his last fight with Gatti and didn't go down. He had the best left hook to the body in boxing. Tough motherfucker

White Men Can Jump?

Not me, but this kid can. Jacob Tucker is a senior D-III basketball player for Illinois College and he can jump out of the building. Kid is 5'11 and has a 50 inch vertical. For comparisons sake I'm 5'9 with a 5 inch vertical. I can barely reach the top of my refridgerator. This kid can't play in the NBA, but maybe there is a spot for him on the Globetrotters? or the Washington Generals.

Best Bike Ever?

If the pigtails were the handlebars it would be perfect...

Pave Over Your Problems!

This is my first ad. Designed it myself... I'm a proud Papa. Putting a website together for them as well.

They pay between $100 - $500 for referrals. So if you find them a paving job we both get paid! LBC Construction (508) 880-7406

Are You Fucking Kidding Me Tom Brady?

In our latest installment of Are You Fucking Kidding Me... we have Tom Brady with a pony tail in Brazil. Are you fucking kiddng me Tom? A pony tail? Didn't Moss get traded after he told Brady that he "looked like a girl" last season? You think this is going to help? Are you fucking kidding me! Can we get a haircut before next season? I'm not asking for a Johnny Unitas cut, but maybe a boy's regular? Is that so much to ask? If you just can't part with the hair, can you stay away from the rubber bands and scrunchies?

I get it. We all get it. You are very rich, talented, successful and married to a supermodel. We have all done some pretty strange stuff to impress some tail... But come on... You are still a man! I don't want a metrosexual quarterback! Tom also recently agreed to be the face of male Uggs. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME TOM BRADY??? Think of your fans for JC's sake! Aren't we going to take enough taunting from Jets fans after another first round loss? You aren't just adding fuel on the fire, you are driving the Exxon Valdez straight into it. Thanks a lot jerk!

MacPaddy.com Coming soon!

That's right! Bought the domain name macpaddy.com. Should have it up and running next week, so it may be a slow week for posts but keep checking in. Let me know if you have any ideas for the site. Logo ideas, content ideas, ways to make money, etc...

John Dennis Will Eat Your Dinner!

Human garbage disposal John Dennis of WEEI is terrible on the radio but he is just plain disturbing on TV. He is probably the only reason I'm glad I don't have HD TV. I have no interest in watching his chins shake like Shakira in a salsa contest.

Miami Heat Players Cry Like Little Girls

The Heat lost to the Chicago for third time this season. According to Miami coach Erik Spoelstra, several Heat players were moved to tears after their 87-86 loss to the Bulls. Dwayne Wade cried to everyone that would listen, "The Miami Heat are exactly what everyone wanted, losing games. The world is better now because the Heat is losing."

If I was Dwayne Wade's 4th grade teacher I would be crying now too. His grammar is terrible. And he's a big cry baby. I bet Lebron cried like a toddler at the dentist. My team lost 4 in a row... Wahhhh! Everybody hates us... Wahhhh! We don't know how to close games... Wahhh! Delonte West fucked my momma... WAHHHH!

7 Year Old Will Kick Your Ass

This kid is a machine! The next Kurt Angle. Just suplexing the shit out of people. He's taking on kids twice his size by the end of the video and just dominating. Reminds me of a young me... with less crying and pants wetting.

Mike Torpey is Just Killing It

Colgate alumni Mike Torpey is making me look bad. We graduated from college in the same class and he is making commercials with Michael Jordan, while I can't afford a pair of Air Jordans. He is doing some fine work for Onion Sports. Check him out. Injured High School Football Player Fulfills Wish of Revenge On Boy Who Paralyzed Him

Thanks for the tip Yurchie and Pooh Diddy

Take This Fucker Out Already

I was running on E the other day, so I pulled into a gas station to fill up. Stuck the old credit card on the meter, hit the 87 unleaded... $56!!! Are you fucking kidding me Gaddafi! But seriously this guy is a dead man walking, kind of like Charlie Sheen. The question isn't if he's going to die, but how he's gonna die. My guess for Gaddafi... cocaine overdose.

Everyone knows that Charlie Sheen is immune to cocaine, so how is he going to die?
Vegas Odds:
Old age: Odds 1 - 534,894,746
Abducted and violently probed by aliens: Odds 1 - 10,000
An extremely rare sexually transmitted disease, which will later bear his name: Odds 1 - 13
Murdered by the FBI for revealing 9/11 consiracy: Odds 1 - 5
Overdose of the most powerful drug in the world... Charlie Sheen: Odds 1 - 2

SoCo Crisp Gets DUI

Oakland A's outfielder, Coco Crisp was arrested in Arizona a few nights ago for DUI. He blew over a .08 at 2:15am. He was driving a Rolls Royce Phantom. I thought all Rolls Royce's came with chauffeurs standard?

Coco was back on the field today and apologized to all of his fans. I'm not sure what is more surprising, that Coco Crisp is still playing baseball or that Coco Crisp has fans?

California Woman Travels 35 Miles on Hood of Car

A married couple got into a fight, he got in the minivan, she got on the hood, he got on the freeway. Witnesses reported that the husband, Chrisopher Carroll, was going over 100 mph and his wife was holding on to the wiper blades. My wiper blades can't support 4 inches of snow let alone a full grown woman. Believe me, I've tried. After travelling for 35 miles Carroll slowed down enough for his wife to roll off. She went to the hospital for hypothermia and probably some wind burn. Carroll then went home to smoke some more crack and was arrested by police. Good thinking Chris, the cops would never think to look for you at the most obvious place. Carroll was also arrested a few days earlier for huffing paint and threatening to drown himself in 5 inches of water. Let's hope they don't have children. This country has enough stupid assholes.

Soccer Player Murders Mascot

The home teams' owl mascot fell injured to the field. Someone kicked a ball at it so the ref stopped play. Opponent Luis Moreno then jogged over and punted the thing about 10 feet to the sideline. The owl died two days later of "shock" according to the vet. Now a bunch of people want to kill him and his mom is crying on TV... Just another day in paradise in Columbia.

First Rule of Fight Club...

9 six-graders were expelled from school for starting a Fight Club at their middle school Tacoma Washington... it appears someone broke the first rule of Fight Club. The school discovered the Fight Club after watching a report on the local news. Way to go Tacoma! I wish I was cool enough to start a fight club in 6th grade. Instead I was sitting on the couch watching X-Files with my parents, patiently waiting for my first nut hair.

Monkey Gets Blowjob from a Frog

Got to admire the monkey's technique here. You think he's a lefty or just doing 'the stranger'? Either way, he looks happy as fuck. He is just having his way with this frog and doesn't care who sees it. No shame at all. I think this video proves once and for all that humans did in fact evolve from apes. I wonder if he is a normal monkey or some kind of emotionally disturbed sexual deviant monkey.

15 Days Until St. Patrick's Day

Pretty sure my stupid dog (pictured above) just ate a AA battery. The last thing she needs is more batteries.

Murphy joins the Celts

An Irish guy named Murph playing for the Celtics? Pinch me. Just last week I was complaining about the lack of token white guys on this team after the departure of Scalabrine. They did add a red head in the off season with Delonte West, but it just wasn't the same. Murphy has played 639 games in his career and has never made the playoffs, which is the longest active streak in the NBA. But it's tough to make the playoffs when you play for the Nets, Warriors and Pacers.

Ted Kennedy Loved Whores

The FBI released documents from 1961 alleging that Ted Kennedy rented out a brothel in Chile for an entire night while on a diplomatic visit to the South American country. Kennedy even invited a US Embassy chauffeur to double team some whores with him. What a guy! I'm going to bed.

Beckett Married a Rocket Scientist?

This story slipped by me, but apparently Josh Beckett married a Rocket Scientist last month. Her name is Holly Fisher and she is the hottest rocket scientist I have ever seen (pictured above). They went to high school together in Texas and while Beckett was throwing fast balls and banging groupies, Holly was getting her Masters degree in Astronautical Engineering from USC. She currently works as a space-engineering consultant. I wonder what they talk about at night? Hunting? Aerospace? Starship Troopers?

Ino Guerrero Knocks Josh Beckett the Fuck Out

Ino Guerrero decided to hit balls back to the mound from the outfield with a fungo bat instead of just bouncing them back towards the BP pitcher. Surprisingly, the fat fuck missed and hit Beckett in the temple sending him home with a mild concussion. What the fuck is Ino Guerrero still doing hanging around with the Red Sox? I thought he was only here to keep Manny's roid rage under control. I am starting a petition to have him sent back to where ever he came from. Where is he from anyways? East Boston?

Bruins 5-0 on Roadtrip

Originally I wanted to post a picture of a half naked female Bruins fan. But when I googled "Boston Bruins Whore" all I got were pictures of Jack Edwards... Can't make this stuff up folks. Anyways, over the past 10 days the Bruins have beat the Islanders, Ottawa, Calgary, Vancouver and Edmonton on the road. They are playing Ottawa again tomorrow before returning home to play the two best teams in the East, Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh, followed by Montreal on the road. So the next 4 games should be a pretty good indicator of where they are at with less than 20 games left in the season.

Bruins fans (myself included) have been whining about the lack of a puck moving defenseman for the past 10 years... No excuses for the B's this year. Kaberle's got wheels and soft hands. Neely compared his passing ability to Adam Oates. The puck is always flat and always hits the forehand. He has 177 points on the power play over the past 5+ seasons compared to 129 points for Chara. The B's have a knack for fucking up golden opportunities, so I'm going to try to keep my panties unbunched for now.

Professional English Cricket Player Enjoys Butt Sex

In today's least shocking story, England wickedkeeper, Steven Davies, announced that he was gay. To be honest with you, I always kind of assummed that all Cricket players were gay, but apparently he is the first to declare so openly. Not surpringly, his teammates have been extremely supportive; offering kind words, back rubs and hand jobs. Which supports my theory that all English men are gay. Want proof? Rewatch last night's Oscars.

Davies hopes that his announcement will encourage other professional athletes to come out of the closet. I'm looking at you A-Rod...

Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies'

Shocking story out of the Sports Onion today (click here). The Celtics are cloning Big Baby Glen Davis in an attempt to add depth to their front line. Can't we clone Shaq instead?

Obama Bans Use of Womens Basketball as Torture Device

A sharp rise in the number of suicides at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp has forced Barack Obama to ban the forced viewing of womens basketball as a coercive interrogation method. A detailed internal study showed that interrogators received little intelligence from detainees during sessions of Womens Nasty Basketball Abuse (WNBA). The study did discover a disturbing trend... WNBA viewings were causing severe depression in effected prisoners. Several depressed prisoners have chosen blindness over death, intentionally gauging their eyes out in order to avoid future WNBA torture. Said Obama, "The WNBA was a failed experiment. It is in our national interest to discontinue the program and move forward as a country."

Your Baby Needs a Tan!

Sure your baby was cute as an infant, but is he or she starting to lose some of that new baby cache?? Has this brutal winter left your baby looking a little... lily white? If so, I have some good news for you! From the makers of Baby Dentures and Toddler Toupees comes the latest baby improvement product, Baby Bronzer! Baby Bronzer is the first almost FDA approved spray tan for babies. Little Suzie turning the big 0-1? Simply hold her upside down by her ankle and spray away. In minutes you will have a perfectly bronzed baby... just in time for her big day! If you are interested simply click on the link!

Christian Bale Wins Oscar... Ohhh Good For You

Really playing up the British accent tonight, huh Christian?

Man, I really need to see "The Fighter". Melissa Leo also won for best supporting actress. Shockingly Mark Walhberg was not nominated at all. Donnie Walhberg will win an Oscar before Mark. Macaulay Culkin has better odds in Vegas of winning an Oscar in his lifetime. Good to see Micky Ward and his retarded brother in the audience tonight.

If someone wants to write a review of "The Fighter" I'll put it up on the Blog. We are getting about 100 visitors a day. Not bad for two weeks work.

Terrorist Gets 25 Years for Threatening 'South Park' Creators

Some white kid from Virginia grew a beard, wrapped a towel around his head and converted to Islam. Then he started a blog and told his followers to kill the creators of South Park... not for showing an image of Mohammed, but for depicting Mohammed in a bear costume. I added the Mohammed image above... don't tell Al Queda.

The white kid, Zachary Chesser, also admitted to trying to go to Somalia to join terrorist group Al-Shabeeb. What a clown! Which prison gang do you join if you are a white Muslim? This guy is not long for this world. He got 25 years in prison... I'll put the over/under at two months before he joins Allah and his 72 virgins. Cause of death? Impaled on a penis.

Beer, Beer, Beer. I Like Drinking Beer

Beer, beer, beer. I'm going for a beer. Beer, Beer, beer I'm gonna drink some beer. I like drinking beer. Lovely, lovely beer

Charlie Sheen Refuses to Stop Snorting Cocaine and Banging Hookers

How impressive is Charlie Sheen? Talk about going out in a blaze of glory. This guy just does not give a fuck. He went to the hospital a few weeks ago after getting a suitcase of cocaine and two pornstars delivered to his house. He claims he did not OD, he was just laughing so hard that he may have pulled a muscle. Last week his ex wife moved back into the Sheen house with their children... and Sheen's new girlfriend and porn star Bree Olsen... Niiiiiiice. The four of them are now on vacation in the Bahamas... more than likely snorting a shitload of cocaine and having deviant sex... that bastard. Menawhile, two and a half men has cancelled the rest of the season. Do you think it's even possible for Charlie Sheen to overdose? I bet he has the constitution of an elephant by this point. Either way, he has become the most interesting train wreck of the month.

Reader Question of the Week

What is Bryant Gumbel always writing at the end of HBO Real Sports?

Am I too drunk to be writing? I'll let you be the judge. I have to admit that I don't watch HBO's Real Sports and I try to avoid Bryant Gumbel as much as possible, but this question intrigues me... What could Bryant Gumbel possibly be writing at the end of each show? Here are my guesses

"Dear Diary, I saw the most wonderful pair of pleated pants today"
Working on his autobiography, tenatively titled, "Mayonaise on White Bread"
Screenplay for Gumbel & Gumbel: The Movie
Grocery list
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enought and doggone it people like me"
"mmm hmm, mmmm, hmm, hmm, mmmmmm"

What the Fuck Danny Ainge?

Not sure how Danny is going to sell us on this one. He was very busy today... smallest deals first. Marquis Daniels goes to the Kings for cash considerations and a 2017 2nd round draft pick. Fine, I don't get it, but it's not a big deal. Semih Erden and Luke Haragody to Cleveland for a 2nd round pick. Again, don't get it. Erden played some solid minutes and Haragody showed some promise. It was nice having the both of them contributing without Perk around, Shaq missing 20 games and Jermaine O'Neal being about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Finally Danny trades Perk and Robinson to Oklahoma for Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic.
So we were one game away from winning an NBA championship (probably would have won it if Perk played in game 7), we got deeper and better this year, but it was time to shake things up?? What the fuck Danny?? We get rid Perk, Haragody and Erden... Which means in the playoffs we have to count on Shaq and Jermaine being healthy with Krstic as the other option at the 5. Dwight Howard has got to be licking his big lips right now.

I slept for 13 hours today.

First post of the day... Went to bed at 2am last night, fell asleep around 3am. Got up today at 4pm. Probably would have stayed in bed if the wife didn't get me up to shower and eat. I smelled awful. I have a question for the nurses and doctors out there. Why doesn't your nose run when you are asleep? I didn't have to blow my nose for 14 hours. I got up, and my nose has been running like a Kenyan on speed.

Lights Out is... Lights Out

Blog title is a little lazy, but it's getting late and I feel like shit. Wahhhhhhhh!

If you are not watching this show you may have brain damage. I hope it is not permanent. Lights Out is about a retired Irish Heavyweight from New Jersey, who loses his money and has to return to the ring. Lots of action and graphic sex scenes. I challenge you to watch this series and name a better sports themed TV drama... Actually I challenge you to name any sports themed drama.

Tuesdays @10pm. If you need to catch up, the series is also available for free OnDemand

City of Champions

Wait a minute Doc. Ah, are you telling me you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?
That right Marty... We are heading back to 1985.

Best of Marvin Hagler... simply Marvelous.

What's Hagler doing now? He moved to Italy after the Leonard fight and is now apparently a big action star over there. He also calls fights for British TV. I wonder why he didn't want to stick around in Brockton... real estate prices too high? He also has a home in Bartlett, NH.
On a side note: He must still like fighting because he married some Italian broad in 2000...

Scalabrine Watch, Part II

Why do I miss Scalabrine? I think this clip says it all...

Scalabrine Watch

Last night's 22 point blow out was a little less sweet without some Scalabrine garbage time. He is probably the greatest token white guy the NBA has ever seen. Just look at that face. Total concentration and confusion roled into one.

Scalabrine is on the Bulls and averaging 1.1 PPG, .5 RPG and .3 block per game... which surprisingly are not career highs for the big fella

Sign This Kid!

The Bruins don't have anyone that can consistently score in shootouts... I say we bring this kid in for the rest of the regular season. 9 year old from Maine. Keep an eye on the goalie after the shot goes in... nothing like getting embarrassed in the Garden and 1.5 million on Youtube to leave life long scars.

Chances of Lindsay Lohan Going to Jail? Looking good.

Lohan was in court today for violating her probation (again), this time for stealing a $2500 necklace. The judge informed her that any plea deal for the case would involve jail time... So Lohan plead not guilty and will be headed to trial.

It's only a matter of time before Lindsay turns to porn to pay her legal bills. My only regret is that she didn't turn to a life of drugs and crime at an early age. Lindsay is porn five years ago? Sign me up. Now? Her vagina probably looks like a large pepperoni pizza.

Hometown Teams Win Late Games

Bruins win in Calgary, 3-1. Lucic had two goals and Marchand had one. Thomas with the win.

Celtics beat the Warriors on the road, 115-93. Garnett went for 24/12 and Rondo had 15 assists.

Tito vs Putin

Got to go with Putin here. That guy is scary as shit. I was scared of him before I saw him shirtless. He's catching salmon in his teeth, wrestling sabertooth tigers and running a puppet government. All in a days work...

How about Tito though? If he wasn't standing next to a former KGB official, he would look pretty big. That's Francona's daughter in the background. Niiiiiiiice.

Marzilli Didn't Plead Insanity?!?

Former state Senator Jim Marzilli was sentenced to 3 months in prison for sexually harassing 4 random women on a fun filled stroll in the streets of Lowell. He was later diagnosed as bipolar by McClean Hospital, but he did not claim insanity. Tell me if a sane man does this:

June 3, 2008

11am: Marzilli approaches a woman outside of a heath center and tells her that she beautiful and he was in love with her. He then eyed her up and down and said "the sex is sweet, the sex is sweet, you want it, and you want to go with me."

11:30: Marzilli approaches a second woman and says, "Ooooh baby, you are beautiful, your body is perfect, your butt is perfect."

1pm: Marzilli approaches a third woman at a bus stop. He asks her if she is wearing any underwear. The woman walks with a cane and was so shaken that she fell when the bus arrived.

3pm: Marzilli approaches his final victim. He sat next to her on a bench, leaned in and said "Since I saw you, I've liked you. You are a very beautiful woman." He then moved his eyes and hands towards her crotch.

Would a sane man do this? Have you ever seen the women in Lowell?? One of victims had a cane for christsake. I think Marzilli and his attorney made a major boner here. The insanity defense was a slam dunk. On a side note, I feel like his behavior would have been acceptable if it took place in a bar in Lowell between 11pm and 3pm.

Washington the 'Blackest' Name in America

It was pointed out to me that last night that yesterday was President's Day... It's funny how minor holidays (and sometimes Mondays in general) slip by without notice when you are unemployed.

The 2000 U.S. census counted over 163,000 people with the last name of Washington, 90% of whom were black, a far higher percentage than any other name. Washington had a shit ton of slaves, but experts are saying the name probably became more popular after the Civil War when many former slaves adopted the surname. If I got to pick my own name I think I would pick something that reflected who I am as a person... How about Bigcock? Patrick Bigcock... I like the sound of it.

Read My Blog or I Will Kill This Dog

Don't make me do it...

Nut Shots

Having a bad day? Hope this cheers you up

Sox to Extend Francona

John Heyman of SI is reporting that the Sox are picking up Tito's 2 year option at the end of the year. So he will be under contract until 2013, making 4.5 million a season... not bad.

Clemens' First Homosexual Experience Tentatively Scheduled for July

Clemens' criminal trial on his six-count indictment for lying to Congress is scheduled for July. My guess is that he will be getting pounded in the rear by August.

Revolution Beat High School Team 2-0

The New England Revolution beat the United States U-17 National Team Monday, 2-0. The Revolution did not allow a shot... and this is why soccer will never catch on in the United States. I'm pretty sure the "U" in U-17 means under, so the team is a bunch of 15 and 16 year old kids. A "professional" team only scored two goals against high school freshmen and sophmores. In any other sport the score would be approximately 100-0. What would make soccer more watchable you might ask? Naked cheerleaders...

Hank Steinbrenner Bitch Slaps Jeter!

#1 fat asshole, Hank Steinbrenner, called out his players for being too comfortable last year following their '09 Championship, saying "I think maybe, they celebrated too much last year. Some of the players, too busy building mansions and doing other things and not concentrating on winning. I have no problem saying that." When reminded that Jeter just finished building a mansion in Tampa, Steinbrenner said that he wasn't singling out any individual.

You know what... Fuck Steinbrenner. If I was making 20 million dollars a year, you bet I would be building me some mansions. Way to call out the face of your organization Hank. You will be as beloved as your fat asshole father. Prick!

Melo is a Knick...

The Nets offered Derrick Favors (last years #3 overall) and four first round pics, but Anthony would not sign an extension... confirming what we already know... Everybody hates New Jersey. Melo is expected to sign a 3 year 65 million dollar extension with the Knicks. Knicks get Chauncey Billups too, which will improve their starting 5, but they are a bunch of nobodies after that. Melo and A'mare together for the next three years is a little scary though... Garnett is getting ready to welcome Melo to the division... with a punch to the groin bitch!

Will You Scratch My Nuts?

Old video, but one of my all time favorites. Imagine having your hands cuffed behind your back with an itch that you just can't scratch? Gotta love the young cop laughing during the Miranda rights. Is that grounds to get the case dismissed? I hope so.

Disease Free Men Rejoice, Paris Hilton May be Getting Married

Paris Hilton's vagina is the STD capital of the world. It has been declared a toxic waste site by the Environmental Protection Agency. Fortunately for the rest of us, it looks like Hilton may finally be off the market, and not a moment too soon. UCLA's School of Medicine was about to quatantine her ass after a massive outbreak of a particularly potent strand of herpes in the L.A. area. Good luck to this Cy Waits dude. If I were him I would be paying someone to monitor my T-cell count daily...

Miguel Cabrera Has Big Balls... and a Severe Drinking Problem

The Police Report from Miguel Cabrera's DUI arrest in Florida has been released, along with his mug shot. He looks like he is having a great time in jail. The cops found him on the side of the road at about 11pm. He started swigging scotch in front of them and when asked to sit in the police car responded, "Fuck you. Do you know who I am?" Now I don't know a lot about drinking and swearing at cops, but I do know that it is probably the best way to get arrested. It's funny... he doesn't look like an angry drunk in the picture.

Sox Made $255 Million Last Year

Sean McAdam is estimating that the Red Sox 2011 revenue is $255 Million. Sean McAdam is not an accountant, but he is a boring nerd, so I believe him. If the Sox didn't get Crawford and Gonzalez this winter, people would be stoning John Henry right now. Now it's safe for him to air Liverpool games on NESN.

George Still Calling the Shots??

Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, in a desperate attempt to stay competitive in the AL East, have contacted their deceased father via a Ouija Board. Reports out of New York are claiming that Brian Cashman is pissed that the old man continues to haunt him from beyond the grave with bad personnel decisions. The New York Toast is reporting that George was the driving force behind the deal for set up man, Rafael Soriano, which will cost the Yankees 35 million over the next three years. George is also said to be looking at Albert Pujos and a 35 year old Cuban batboy who recently defected to the United States. His sons have indicated that money will not be an obstacle in the free agent market.

Kobe Bryant is All Star MVP... Still a Rapist

"Kobe Bryant, you just won the 2011 NBA All Star MVP. What are you gonna do?" "I'm going to rape someone in Disney Land!" Congratulations to the biggest scumbag in the NBA. Hey Kobe... go fuck yourself

He's a Shoe Man, Born and Bred Damnit

***DVR ALERT*** TBS and TVLand have been showing Married With Children re-runs... Maybe the greatest sitcom in the history of mankind. This heroic shoe salesman's battle against female obesity is nothing short of inspiring... Way ahead of it's time. Here's a couple of bonus quotes that aren't in the video above.

"A fat woman walked into the store today. She was so fat, she had three smaller women orbiting around her."

"A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe... my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there."

Drew Already Making Excuses...

Gordon Edes reports That J.D. Drew is "eager to test his hamstring"
Drew said, "Hopefully, knock on wood (likely tapping his head instead of his bat at the time), it'll stays the way it is, and the pain that was limiting my stride will not come back. I can deal with it if it's slightly tight or something."
Know what I hear from the last guy on the team to report for Spring Training? The guy at the end of a 5 year 7o million dollar contract? The guy who won't be on the team next year? "Hopefully, knock on wood (banging on his empty athletic supporter), I'll be ready for Opening Day. I'm going to I'm going to take it easy, real easy at Spring Training this year. I probably won't go on the disabled list, but I will miss 5 game stretches against divisional opponents if it is slightly tight or something."

Bieber voted Celebrity All Star MVP

Not going to lie... Justin Bieber looks like he could probably beat the shit out of me one on one. Kid's like 12 years old and he's crossing over adults, shooting the 3 over some 6 footers and dishing it like Tom Cruise on Oprah.
I might suck at basketball, but I bet I am better at having hair on my nuts than Bieber

Detriot Cements Their Reputation as the Worst City in the World

I've been resisting blogging about this all week, but it has been blowing up this past week. Detriot is going to put a 7 foot bronze statue of RoboCop in the city. Supporters are comparing it to the Rocky statue in Philadelphia... Let's get this straight assholes... Rocky is probably the greatest sports franchise in movie history. It won multiple Oscars. RoboCop is a movie about how shitty and violent Detroit is in the future. Way to go Detroit. You are finally creating a source of pride for the community. Children will walk by this statue and ask their parents about it and parents will regail their little one's with the story of the fictional cyborg from the future who fought crime on Detroit's disgusting streets... Detroit's greatest superhero