Bruins 5-0 on Roadtrip

Originally I wanted to post a picture of a half naked female Bruins fan. But when I googled "Boston Bruins Whore" all I got were pictures of Jack Edwards... Can't make this stuff up folks. Anyways, over the past 10 days the Bruins have beat the Islanders, Ottawa, Calgary, Vancouver and Edmonton on the road. They are playing Ottawa again tomorrow before returning home to play the two best teams in the East, Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh, followed by Montreal on the road. So the next 4 games should be a pretty good indicator of where they are at with less than 20 games left in the season.

Bruins fans (myself included) have been whining about the lack of a puck moving defenseman for the past 10 years... No excuses for the B's this year. Kaberle's got wheels and soft hands. Neely compared his passing ability to Adam Oates. The puck is always flat and always hits the forehand. He has 177 points on the power play over the past 5+ seasons compared to 129 points for Chara. The B's have a knack for fucking up golden opportunities, so I'm going to try to keep my panties unbunched for now.

Professional English Cricket Player Enjoys Butt Sex

In today's least shocking story, England wickedkeeper, Steven Davies, announced that he was gay. To be honest with you, I always kind of assummed that all Cricket players were gay, but apparently he is the first to declare so openly. Not surpringly, his teammates have been extremely supportive; offering kind words, back rubs and hand jobs. Which supports my theory that all English men are gay. Want proof? Rewatch last night's Oscars.

Davies hopes that his announcement will encourage other professional athletes to come out of the closet. I'm looking at you A-Rod...

Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube 'Big Babies'

Shocking story out of the Sports Onion today (click here). The Celtics are cloning Big Baby Glen Davis in an attempt to add depth to their front line. Can't we clone Shaq instead?

Obama Bans Use of Womens Basketball as Torture Device

A sharp rise in the number of suicides at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp has forced Barack Obama to ban the forced viewing of womens basketball as a coercive interrogation method. A detailed internal study showed that interrogators received little intelligence from detainees during sessions of Womens Nasty Basketball Abuse (WNBA). The study did discover a disturbing trend... WNBA viewings were causing severe depression in effected prisoners. Several depressed prisoners have chosen blindness over death, intentionally gauging their eyes out in order to avoid future WNBA torture. Said Obama, "The WNBA was a failed experiment. It is in our national interest to discontinue the program and move forward as a country."

Your Baby Needs a Tan!

Sure your baby was cute as an infant, but is he or she starting to lose some of that new baby cache?? Has this brutal winter left your baby looking a little... lily white? If so, I have some good news for you! From the makers of Baby Dentures and Toddler Toupees comes the latest baby improvement product, Baby Bronzer! Baby Bronzer is the first almost FDA approved spray tan for babies. Little Suzie turning the big 0-1? Simply hold her upside down by her ankle and spray away. In minutes you will have a perfectly bronzed baby... just in time for her big day! If you are interested simply click on the link!

Christian Bale Wins Oscar... Ohhh Good For You

Really playing up the British accent tonight, huh Christian?

Man, I really need to see "The Fighter". Melissa Leo also won for best supporting actress. Shockingly Mark Walhberg was not nominated at all. Donnie Walhberg will win an Oscar before Mark. Macaulay Culkin has better odds in Vegas of winning an Oscar in his lifetime. Good to see Micky Ward and his retarded brother in the audience tonight.

If someone wants to write a review of "The Fighter" I'll put it up on the Blog. We are getting about 100 visitors a day. Not bad for two weeks work.

Terrorist Gets 25 Years for Threatening 'South Park' Creators

Some white kid from Virginia grew a beard, wrapped a towel around his head and converted to Islam. Then he started a blog and told his followers to kill the creators of South Park... not for showing an image of Mohammed, but for depicting Mohammed in a bear costume. I added the Mohammed image above... don't tell Al Queda.

The white kid, Zachary Chesser, also admitted to trying to go to Somalia to join terrorist group Al-Shabeeb. What a clown! Which prison gang do you join if you are a white Muslim? This guy is not long for this world. He got 25 years in prison... I'll put the over/under at two months before he joins Allah and his 72 virgins. Cause of death? Impaled on a penis.

Beer, Beer, Beer. I Like Drinking Beer

Beer, beer, beer. I'm going for a beer. Beer, Beer, beer I'm gonna drink some beer. I like drinking beer. Lovely, lovely beer

Charlie Sheen Refuses to Stop Snorting Cocaine and Banging Hookers

How impressive is Charlie Sheen? Talk about going out in a blaze of glory. This guy just does not give a fuck. He went to the hospital a few weeks ago after getting a suitcase of cocaine and two pornstars delivered to his house. He claims he did not OD, he was just laughing so hard that he may have pulled a muscle. Last week his ex wife moved back into the Sheen house with their children... and Sheen's new girlfriend and porn star Bree Olsen... Niiiiiiice. The four of them are now on vacation in the Bahamas... more than likely snorting a shitload of cocaine and having deviant sex... that bastard. Menawhile, two and a half men has cancelled the rest of the season. Do you think it's even possible for Charlie Sheen to overdose? I bet he has the constitution of an elephant by this point. Either way, he has become the most interesting train wreck of the month.

Reader Question of the Week

What is Bryant Gumbel always writing at the end of HBO Real Sports?

Am I too drunk to be writing? I'll let you be the judge. I have to admit that I don't watch HBO's Real Sports and I try to avoid Bryant Gumbel as much as possible, but this question intrigues me... What could Bryant Gumbel possibly be writing at the end of each show? Here are my guesses

"Dear Diary, I saw the most wonderful pair of pleated pants today"
Working on his autobiography, tenatively titled, "Mayonaise on White Bread"
Screenplay for Gumbel & Gumbel: The Movie
Grocery list
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enought and doggone it people like me"
"mmm hmm, mmmm, hmm, hmm, mmmmmm"

What the Fuck Danny Ainge?

Not sure how Danny is going to sell us on this one. He was very busy today... smallest deals first. Marquis Daniels goes to the Kings for cash considerations and a 2017 2nd round draft pick. Fine, I don't get it, but it's not a big deal. Semih Erden and Luke Haragody to Cleveland for a 2nd round pick. Again, don't get it. Erden played some solid minutes and Haragody showed some promise. It was nice having the both of them contributing without Perk around, Shaq missing 20 games and Jermaine O'Neal being about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Finally Danny trades Perk and Robinson to Oklahoma for Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic.
So we were one game away from winning an NBA championship (probably would have won it if Perk played in game 7), we got deeper and better this year, but it was time to shake things up?? What the fuck Danny?? We get rid Perk, Haragody and Erden... Which means in the playoffs we have to count on Shaq and Jermaine being healthy with Krstic as the other option at the 5. Dwight Howard has got to be licking his big lips right now.

I slept for 13 hours today.

First post of the day... Went to bed at 2am last night, fell asleep around 3am. Got up today at 4pm. Probably would have stayed in bed if the wife didn't get me up to shower and eat. I smelled awful. I have a question for the nurses and doctors out there. Why doesn't your nose run when you are asleep? I didn't have to blow my nose for 14 hours. I got up, and my nose has been running like a Kenyan on speed.

Lights Out is... Lights Out

Blog title is a little lazy, but it's getting late and I feel like shit. Wahhhhhhhh!

If you are not watching this show you may have brain damage. I hope it is not permanent. Lights Out is about a retired Irish Heavyweight from New Jersey, who loses his money and has to return to the ring. Lots of action and graphic sex scenes. I challenge you to watch this series and name a better sports themed TV drama... Actually I challenge you to name any sports themed drama.

Tuesdays @10pm. If you need to catch up, the series is also available for free OnDemand

City of Champions

Wait a minute Doc. Ah, are you telling me you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?
That right Marty... We are heading back to 1985.

Best of Marvin Hagler... simply Marvelous.

What's Hagler doing now? He moved to Italy after the Leonard fight and is now apparently a big action star over there. He also calls fights for British TV. I wonder why he didn't want to stick around in Brockton... real estate prices too high? He also has a home in Bartlett, NH.
On a side note: He must still like fighting because he married some Italian broad in 2000...

Scalabrine Watch, Part II

Why do I miss Scalabrine? I think this clip says it all...

Scalabrine Watch

Last night's 22 point blow out was a little less sweet without some Scalabrine garbage time. He is probably the greatest token white guy the NBA has ever seen. Just look at that face. Total concentration and confusion roled into one.

Scalabrine is on the Bulls and averaging 1.1 PPG, .5 RPG and .3 block per game... which surprisingly are not career highs for the big fella

Sign This Kid!

The Bruins don't have anyone that can consistently score in shootouts... I say we bring this kid in for the rest of the regular season. 9 year old from Maine. Keep an eye on the goalie after the shot goes in... nothing like getting embarrassed in the Garden and 1.5 million on Youtube to leave life long scars.

Chances of Lindsay Lohan Going to Jail? Looking good.

Lohan was in court today for violating her probation (again), this time for stealing a $2500 necklace. The judge informed her that any plea deal for the case would involve jail time... So Lohan plead not guilty and will be headed to trial.

It's only a matter of time before Lindsay turns to porn to pay her legal bills. My only regret is that she didn't turn to a life of drugs and crime at an early age. Lindsay is porn five years ago? Sign me up. Now? Her vagina probably looks like a large pepperoni pizza.

Hometown Teams Win Late Games

Bruins win in Calgary, 3-1. Lucic had two goals and Marchand had one. Thomas with the win.

Celtics beat the Warriors on the road, 115-93. Garnett went for 24/12 and Rondo had 15 assists.

Tito vs Putin

Got to go with Putin here. That guy is scary as shit. I was scared of him before I saw him shirtless. He's catching salmon in his teeth, wrestling sabertooth tigers and running a puppet government. All in a days work...

How about Tito though? If he wasn't standing next to a former KGB official, he would look pretty big. That's Francona's daughter in the background. Niiiiiiiice.

Marzilli Didn't Plead Insanity?!?

Former state Senator Jim Marzilli was sentenced to 3 months in prison for sexually harassing 4 random women on a fun filled stroll in the streets of Lowell. He was later diagnosed as bipolar by McClean Hospital, but he did not claim insanity. Tell me if a sane man does this:

June 3, 2008

11am: Marzilli approaches a woman outside of a heath center and tells her that she beautiful and he was in love with her. He then eyed her up and down and said "the sex is sweet, the sex is sweet, you want it, and you want to go with me."

11:30: Marzilli approaches a second woman and says, "Ooooh baby, you are beautiful, your body is perfect, your butt is perfect."

1pm: Marzilli approaches a third woman at a bus stop. He asks her if she is wearing any underwear. The woman walks with a cane and was so shaken that she fell when the bus arrived.

3pm: Marzilli approaches his final victim. He sat next to her on a bench, leaned in and said "Since I saw you, I've liked you. You are a very beautiful woman." He then moved his eyes and hands towards her crotch.

Would a sane man do this? Have you ever seen the women in Lowell?? One of victims had a cane for christsake. I think Marzilli and his attorney made a major boner here. The insanity defense was a slam dunk. On a side note, I feel like his behavior would have been acceptable if it took place in a bar in Lowell between 11pm and 3pm.

Washington the 'Blackest' Name in America

It was pointed out to me that last night that yesterday was President's Day... It's funny how minor holidays (and sometimes Mondays in general) slip by without notice when you are unemployed.

The 2000 U.S. census counted over 163,000 people with the last name of Washington, 90% of whom were black, a far higher percentage than any other name. Washington had a shit ton of slaves, but experts are saying the name probably became more popular after the Civil War when many former slaves adopted the surname. If I got to pick my own name I think I would pick something that reflected who I am as a person... How about Bigcock? Patrick Bigcock... I like the sound of it.

Read My Blog or I Will Kill This Dog

Don't make me do it...

Nut Shots

Having a bad day? Hope this cheers you up

Sox to Extend Francona

John Heyman of SI is reporting that the Sox are picking up Tito's 2 year option at the end of the year. So he will be under contract until 2013, making 4.5 million a season... not bad.

Clemens' First Homosexual Experience Tentatively Scheduled for July

Clemens' criminal trial on his six-count indictment for lying to Congress is scheduled for July. My guess is that he will be getting pounded in the rear by August.

Revolution Beat High School Team 2-0

The New England Revolution beat the United States U-17 National Team Monday, 2-0. The Revolution did not allow a shot... and this is why soccer will never catch on in the United States. I'm pretty sure the "U" in U-17 means under, so the team is a bunch of 15 and 16 year old kids. A "professional" team only scored two goals against high school freshmen and sophmores. In any other sport the score would be approximately 100-0. What would make soccer more watchable you might ask? Naked cheerleaders...

Hank Steinbrenner Bitch Slaps Jeter!

#1 fat asshole, Hank Steinbrenner, called out his players for being too comfortable last year following their '09 Championship, saying "I think maybe, they celebrated too much last year. Some of the players, too busy building mansions and doing other things and not concentrating on winning. I have no problem saying that." When reminded that Jeter just finished building a mansion in Tampa, Steinbrenner said that he wasn't singling out any individual.

You know what... Fuck Steinbrenner. If I was making 20 million dollars a year, you bet I would be building me some mansions. Way to call out the face of your organization Hank. You will be as beloved as your fat asshole father. Prick!

Melo is a Knick...

The Nets offered Derrick Favors (last years #3 overall) and four first round pics, but Anthony would not sign an extension... confirming what we already know... Everybody hates New Jersey. Melo is expected to sign a 3 year 65 million dollar extension with the Knicks. Knicks get Chauncey Billups too, which will improve their starting 5, but they are a bunch of nobodies after that. Melo and A'mare together for the next three years is a little scary though... Garnett is getting ready to welcome Melo to the division... with a punch to the groin bitch!

Will You Scratch My Nuts?

Old video, but one of my all time favorites. Imagine having your hands cuffed behind your back with an itch that you just can't scratch? Gotta love the young cop laughing during the Miranda rights. Is that grounds to get the case dismissed? I hope so.

Disease Free Men Rejoice, Paris Hilton May be Getting Married

Paris Hilton's vagina is the STD capital of the world. It has been declared a toxic waste site by the Environmental Protection Agency. Fortunately for the rest of us, it looks like Hilton may finally be off the market, and not a moment too soon. UCLA's School of Medicine was about to quatantine her ass after a massive outbreak of a particularly potent strand of herpes in the L.A. area. Good luck to this Cy Waits dude. If I were him I would be paying someone to monitor my T-cell count daily...

Miguel Cabrera Has Big Balls... and a Severe Drinking Problem

The Police Report from Miguel Cabrera's DUI arrest in Florida has been released, along with his mug shot. He looks like he is having a great time in jail. The cops found him on the side of the road at about 11pm. He started swigging scotch in front of them and when asked to sit in the police car responded, "Fuck you. Do you know who I am?" Now I don't know a lot about drinking and swearing at cops, but I do know that it is probably the best way to get arrested. It's funny... he doesn't look like an angry drunk in the picture.

Sox Made $255 Million Last Year

Sean McAdam is estimating that the Red Sox 2011 revenue is $255 Million. Sean McAdam is not an accountant, but he is a boring nerd, so I believe him. If the Sox didn't get Crawford and Gonzalez this winter, people would be stoning John Henry right now. Now it's safe for him to air Liverpool games on NESN.

George Still Calling the Shots??

Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, in a desperate attempt to stay competitive in the AL East, have contacted their deceased father via a Ouija Board. Reports out of New York are claiming that Brian Cashman is pissed that the old man continues to haunt him from beyond the grave with bad personnel decisions. The New York Toast is reporting that George was the driving force behind the deal for set up man, Rafael Soriano, which will cost the Yankees 35 million over the next three years. George is also said to be looking at Albert Pujos and a 35 year old Cuban batboy who recently defected to the United States. His sons have indicated that money will not be an obstacle in the free agent market.

Kobe Bryant is All Star MVP... Still a Rapist

"Kobe Bryant, you just won the 2011 NBA All Star MVP. What are you gonna do?" "I'm going to rape someone in Disney Land!" Congratulations to the biggest scumbag in the NBA. Hey Kobe... go fuck yourself

He's a Shoe Man, Born and Bred Damnit

***DVR ALERT*** TBS and TVLand have been showing Married With Children re-runs... Maybe the greatest sitcom in the history of mankind. This heroic shoe salesman's battle against female obesity is nothing short of inspiring... Way ahead of it's time. Here's a couple of bonus quotes that aren't in the video above.

"A fat woman walked into the store today. She was so fat, she had three smaller women orbiting around her."

"A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe... my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there."

Drew Already Making Excuses...

Gordon Edes reports That J.D. Drew is "eager to test his hamstring"
Drew said, "Hopefully, knock on wood (likely tapping his head instead of his bat at the time), it'll stays the way it is, and the pain that was limiting my stride will not come back. I can deal with it if it's slightly tight or something."
Know what I hear from the last guy on the team to report for Spring Training? The guy at the end of a 5 year 7o million dollar contract? The guy who won't be on the team next year? "Hopefully, knock on wood (banging on his empty athletic supporter), I'll be ready for Opening Day. I'm going to I'm going to take it easy, real easy at Spring Training this year. I probably won't go on the disabled list, but I will miss 5 game stretches against divisional opponents if it is slightly tight or something."

Bieber voted Celebrity All Star MVP

Not going to lie... Justin Bieber looks like he could probably beat the shit out of me one on one. Kid's like 12 years old and he's crossing over adults, shooting the 3 over some 6 footers and dishing it like Tom Cruise on Oprah.
I might suck at basketball, but I bet I am better at having hair on my nuts than Bieber

Detriot Cements Their Reputation as the Worst City in the World

I've been resisting blogging about this all week, but it has been blowing up this past week. Detriot is going to put a 7 foot bronze statue of RoboCop in the city. Supporters are comparing it to the Rocky statue in Philadelphia... Let's get this straight assholes... Rocky is probably the greatest sports franchise in movie history. It won multiple Oscars. RoboCop is a movie about how shitty and violent Detroit is in the future. Way to go Detroit. You are finally creating a source of pride for the community. Children will walk by this statue and ask their parents about it and parents will regail their little one's with the story of the fictional cyborg from the future who fought crime on Detroit's disgusting streets... Detroit's greatest superhero

Are You Fucking Kidding Me James Dolan?

Isiah Thomas is calling the shots again for the New York Knicks. He is handling all of the discussions for the Carmelo trade and working to push out President and GM Donnie Walsh, whose contract is up in April.
Is Dolan completely insane? Is there anything Isiah could do to get Dolan's nose out of his jock strap? Dolan should be using Isiah's face as a dart board or perhaps novelty toilet paper for what he has done to the Knicks. The guy was a complete failure as a GM, Coach and human being! He gave away 4 first round draft picks for Stephan Marbury and Eddie Curry, couldn't win over 30 games and cost the team millions of dollars in a sexual harassment suit. He's about as popular genital warts in NYC. Which are more popular in NYC then you might think, especially in the Knicks locker room.

Hiii-OOOOOO

Chocolate Thunder is Gunna Rattle Somebodies Balls!

Darryl Dawkins had the line of the weekend as Demar Derozan coach in the Slam Dunk Contest. First he said that his suit was "made from the kisses of a thousand (Rhodesian?) princesses". Then he tells the thousands in attendance and millions watching at home that Derozan's dunk might just "Rattle somebodies balls." Classic live TV moment by Chocolate Thunder. Team this guy up with Cedric Maxwell and give them a radio show. Hilarious.

Runner up line goes to Ernie Johnson who implied that Auburn graduates do not know how to read... Slowly pan over to Charles Barkley and Cam Newton. I would pay to watch Cam Newton read one paragraph on live TV.

This Blog Might Be Good???

The people have spoken... I now have six followers. The demand for more has been overwhelming. I'm going to e-mail the blog out tomorrow to everyone under the age of 40. If you think it's funny send it along. become a follower. add comments. suggest stories. Let's have fun with this shit.

Probably no blogging tomorrow. Doing some afternoon drinking with some high school buddies, hopefully followed by some of the above. BIG Saturday.

Gunna hit it hard on Sunday and Monday... Are you not entertained?!?!?!

Wife's Birthday...

Wife's birthday today... not much time to post. Celebrating at the Whiskey Priest tomorrow night. Be there around 9pm. Come one, come all. Also celebrating birthdays today are Michael Jordan (48), Jim Brown (75) and that whore Paris Hilton (30). I can't believe Paris is only 30 years old. It seems just like yesterday when her porn video infected and destroyed my parents computer. Don't I feel old....
Now I am going to try to please her sexually... wish me luck.

Dale Arnold is Taking his Talents to...

... to fill-in duty on WEEI. Mike Holley is being moved to the Big Show and Lou Merloni and "Mutt" are taking over the mid day spot... I actually like Dale. I know he looks like a tool and acts holier than thou, but I thought the Dale & Holley Show was the best program on WEEI besides Planet Mikey. I can't stand Gresh and Zolak. Total fucking meatheads. WEEI's move reeks of desperation. The Sports Hub is kicking WEEI's ass in the ratings. 98.5 had over 840,000 cumulative listeners in the months of November and December compared to WEEI's 499,000 listeners. Almost double. I guess WEEI had to do something, but it's like throwing a life vest to the toddler at the bottom of the pool. It's too late for WEEI. Game over.
On a side note... I hope Dale takes Jack Edwards job as Bruins play by play guy. I would rather drink water out of a Mexican toilet than listen to Jack Edwards for two hours.

Vick Cancels Oprah Interview

Rumors are that he is attending a high stakes cock fight in Mexico instead. Oprah has not commented yet, but I would expect that when she finds Vick, he will be devoured and slowly passed through her large intestines

p.s. remember when Vick got sued for knowingly giving some girl herpes, while using the alias Ron Mexico? How can America not be rooting for this guy?

Scott Brown Molested Several Times

Scott Brown is headlining the most recent Republican gay sex scandal. Unlike his colleagues, Brown will be releasing a books describing his gay sex antics in detail.
Brown was molested multiple times by a camp counselor at the age of ten. According to my sources they jerked each other off, but there were no happy endings... at least for Brown. Unless you want to call marrying a hot news anchor and becoming a senator a happy ending. Scott Brown is a handsome guy. He was named America's Sexiest Man in 1982. I would be shocked if he wasn't molested several times as a child. It is tough growing up smart, good looking and athletic. It's a burden we must carry for the rest of our lives

Semih Erden has a sore groin, runs to Turkey to see his Momma

I pulled my groin in High School and my coach told me to sit in a whirlpool and massage the area, which I was only too happy to do. Semih flew halfway across the globe to have his Mommy kiss his boo boo and make it all better.
UPDATE: Actually according to the story Semih's package is killing him and his Mom is on her deathbed. Talk about a rough week.

Ray Lucas is a Suicidal Drug Addict

Ray Ray was taking 350 pills a month, about 30 a day to feed his habit. He blames a nagging football injury for the abuse. Which is funny because I don't really remember him playing too much football. At one point Lucas called up the NFL looking for help because he was suicidal. He was told that there was nothing that they could do. Tough for me to be sympathetic on this one. If I called up my former employer and told them I was suicidal, I think they might overnight mail me some Drain-O and a funnel.

North Andover Wrestling Coach is a Giant Pervert

Not gonna lie... This guy looks guilty as shit. Straight up pervert. He was caught after repeatedly going into the girls' locker room and talking about opening up "a thong factory". That sounds kind of fun. The police found 8 images of child porn, 129 images of child erotica and 79 pages of locker room shots the coach took himself... in addition to a shitload of adult porn on his home computer. This guy has been a high school wrestling coach in Massachusetts for 38 years... the biggest surprise is that he wasn't sniffing around in the boys locker room. Have high schools always been full of sex offenders? I went to Catholic school for 13 years and was never propositioned once. I don't get it. My Nana says I'm the cutest boy in town.

Infectious Disease Spreads at the Playboy Mansion

I am shocked! Over 170 perverts fell ill after attending an "Internet" conference at the Mansion on February 3rd. Symptoms range from fever, to chills, to genital discomfort and discharge. Doctors have not reached a consensus on the illness with theories including Legionnaires Disease and Gonorrhea. Guests pointed to the smelly fog machine as a likely culprit.
Can you imagine how many infectious diseases there are at the Playboy Mansion? The fog machines are perfect for spreading viruses. It's chemical warfare for Chripes Sake! We should send all the playmates to Afghanistan. They could smoke out some caves with the help of open legs and a large fan or simply give Al Queda Syphilis. Why have we not tried this yet? We would have Bin Laden within a week.

Ronaldo's Girlfriend is SI Covergirl

Not sure what the story is with this chick besides banging Ronaldo... juggling his balls (token soccer joke), etc. Irina Shayk? Is she from Saudi Arabia or something? I'm not sure if Allah makes racks like that. Those are not man made either. I bet she thanks God and baby Jesus when she accepts the MacPaddy award for Best Tits in the Universe.

I'm so Confused

I am told that one of these people is justin bieber, the other is the chick from Harry Potter. Apparently she cut off all of her hair after the last movie and apparently justin bieber wears lipstick and eye shadow... They almost look more like elves than people. I bet they communicate in a secret language and they will live forever. Either way, I would have banged the shit out of the both of them in middle school. I was a horny little dude before I started drinking heavily.

Northeastern Still Inferior at Hockey... and Academics

BC, the National Champs win the Beanpot again... no big whoop. Actually an awesome fucking game. I wish I got to see the whole thing but I did not plan on overtime. I was DVR'ing the third period so I could watch Casablanca with my wife on Valentine's Day... Don't I feel like a dick. There is gonna be a rumble in the jungle tomorrow at the Coughlin estate.

p.s. Donny O. called a hell of a game with Brick. Let's get him to do double duty. Jack Edwards should be doing high school soccer games. Spare no cost!

Still Disgusted with the Patriots

The dishwasher was in mid cycle and I looked in the cabinet and saw my 16 ounce, double wall insulated, microwave safe, freezer safe tumbler, made in the USA. For a moment I thought it would be perfect for my bedtime ice water. I even put in the ice and took out the Brita. But I couldn't fucking do it. It's a great glass but looking at the logo makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I put this glass on my wedding registry, but my wife took it off... along with a pair of slippers and a neck massager... the only friggin things I wanted... But she did buy me the above mug and a matching Sox mug. Can't wait for Opening Day so I have an excuse to zone out for three to four hours at a time six days a week... with my mug

Pedroia Back in Camp with Disturbing Hairline

Dustin Pedroia stunned onlookers upon his arrival at Red Sox camp yesterday with a shockingly bad combover. When questioned on the new doo he actually said, "These jokes about my hair were funny when I was 20 years old, but I'm a grown ass man now. Besides, my wife tells me she likes it." Listen DP, you could have a baby dick and your wife would tell you she liked it. You make 8 million dollars a year. She probably tells you that she enjoys the smell of your farts... I would for 8 mill a year. He is lucky that he plays a sport that requires him to wear a hat or helmet as all times. He is 27 years old and looks like my fat middle aged accountant.

Tiger Lost in Dubai... Who's he banging tonight?

Contestant #1 Contestant #2 Contestant #3

Contestant #1 is 19 years old. She lives in a massive sandcastle she was given after her first divorce six years ago. She has no children and no shame. If Tiger is looking for a degrading night of sex, he came to the right place.

Contestant # 2 is 27 year old fallen Pop sensation, Hare Allova. She leapt to fame after her debut album, "Dry Hump" shot to number one. Hare career was destroyed with the release of a hardcore private video, exposing her belly button for all the world to see. She was forced to leave her native Syria and is currently living in Dubai blowing billionares.

Contestant # 3 is a wild card... actually no one seems to know a whole lot about #3... She's got a bag on her head... and it matches her weird underwear for some stragely logical reason. Tiger is a total freak, so I have to give this girl a chance.

Smart Money is on Hare Allova

BIG BABY HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM

Big Baby is listed at 6'9, his wing span has to close to that, so according to my calculations Davis only has to jump two inches to dunk the ball. He got about 3/4 of an inch off the ground on a BREAKAWAY in the second quarter today. I like Glenn Davis, but maybe he should play in high heels or get some of those Tom Cruise lifts. Maybe a few more jumping jacks and a few less flapjacks Glenn? I think we should suspend his food above his head until he builds up some fast twitch muscle fibers in his calves. And if he misses an easy two in the playoffs like that he should be sent directly to the Biggest Loser campus and be beaten with reeds

Reader Question of the Week

Why do men wear scarves inside?

Great question... Don't be fooled. These people are not men at all. No man would wear a scarf inside. In fact, men know that scarves can not be worn outside unless the wind chill is below zero. I am told that some of these fopish dandies with indoor scarves actually do have some semblance of a male gentalia squeezed into their skinny jeans, but this hardly qualifies them as men. Look at this guy above... typical indoor scarf wearer: low v cut t-shirt, double wrapped scarf, all by himself, gaydar just blazing, playing some serious pocket pool. If you want to call this guy a man just because he has facial hair than be my guest. But under the same rationale we could assume that my mother-in-law is a man as well, which is extremely unlikely.

I don't think indoor scarves are specifically a gay thing, but there is something blindingly feminine about them. Like I wouldn't be able to look at myself in a mirror with a scarf on without instinctively adjusting my Maxi Pad. I heard Starbucks recently created a new coffee flavor for these hybred womanly beings called the peacock. It calls for a shot of semen instead of expresso. It has been a best seller in Cambridge and the Back Bay for over a month. Bada Bing!

It is NOT illegal to bite a 15 year old girl in Florida

The South Florida Sun Sentinel is reporting that the Monroe County Sheriff's Office is charging a 15 year old girl with making a false report. Authorities say the girl is a fan of the vampire-cased Twilight books and movies. The sheriff office says the girl had engaged in "fantasy biting" with a 19 year old man in August and worried that her mother would see the marks. She told her mother that she was attacked while out jogging. When authorities could not find evidence of the attack , the girl eventually revealed the true story. No charges have been filed against the 19 year old man.

This Twilight shit is getting out of hand and "the authorities" are helpless. It's been over 200 years since lawmen have had to train for vampire invasion. They simply are not equipped to deal with blood thristy teenage cannibals. As a result it is now legal to bite the jugular of consenting high school students in Florida. Well that's just great... What's the age of consent for drinking blood in Florida? 12? If one of my kids came home dressed like a vampire I would fill the house with garlic, put holy water in the Brita and smack the shit out of him with a Bible. Last resort??? wooden stake through the heart.

Delonte West is Gunna Fuck Yo Momma... Wednesday Night

The Celtic's bike riding, motherfucking terminator, Delonte West is scheduled to return Wednesday night against the New Jersey Nets. He fractured his wrist in November against the Nets... this could turn into a blood bath, Scarface style. Delonte will give them some points off the bench, but I think his intangibles mean more to this Celtics team. It is always good to have the insanely violent guys on your side. Opponents have to be terrified of this guy. He's got neck tattoos, multiple weapons violations and he will fuck your momma without batting an eye. Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your mother. Delonte West is fuckin everybody up in this bitch.